Feeling better

I started a new medication about a month ago to help treat my GvHD. I also started going to a chiropractor that uses the activator method. I haven’t felt this good in awhile. I haven’t had any pain in my shoulder blades. I’ve been able to yawn, sneeze, and cough without it hurting my chest or ribs. I’ve been able to walk more without getting short of breath so easily. I was able to run across the street with no problems. It’s so nice to be pain free.


First Secret

Last night Mason shared something with me. “Mommy, do you know who I have a crush on?” ūüėĪ “She’s really nice”

I am so happy that I get to be in on this SWEET secret of his…his first crush. Grateful that I get to be here in this moment with him. ‚̧ԳŹ

6 Months Post Transplant

Put on a wig to feel pretty…or maybe to feel a little like my old self. ¬†I still have a hard time looking in the mirror sometimes. ¬† I remember the days of mascara, eyeliner, and blush. ¬†My eyelashes are still growing back…no mascara yet. ¬†I have to wear a mask every time I step out of the house…no blush yet.

6 Months Post Transplant!! ¬†A milestone to be proud of!! ¬†I had my first round of vaccines on 10-17-18, a total of 5 shots (4 of which were muscle shots). ¬†OUCH. ¬†Of course the next day I had a low grade fever. ¬†My arms and legs are feeling much better today. ¬†I woke up in a lot of pain yesterday. ¬†I tried to get Mason up and ready for school, but instead fell to the ground crying in pain. ¬†It hurt to cry, it hurt to breath…

Mason called out “Sunny, mommy needs your help!!” ¬†“Mommy, where do you want me to massage, where does it hurt?”

Telling myself to breath…inhale…exhale…it’s going to be ok…breath….breath…don’t cry…

Tears rolling down my cheeks.  Mason rubbing my back.

Sunny scoops me up from the floor and lays me down on the bed. ¬†“Breath hunny, breath in through your nose, breath out with your mouth” “its ok…its ok” ¬†“where’s your pain pills?”

He slowly sits me up against his chest with my medication and water bottle.  He lays me back down while he gets Mason ready for school.   The boys head downstairs to get the day started.

A few hours later I get a call from the orthopedic’s office. ¬†The woman on the phone tells me the fluid they drained from my knee on 10-1-18 is positive for bacteria. ¬†She tells me that I need to come in for surgery. ¬†I told her they’d need to consult with my oncologist because I’m a BMT patient.

I know I’m going through a really hard time, but it must be difficult for my loved ones to see the struggle I go through. ¬†The days can be unpredictable sometimes.

My oncologist started my Prednisone (steroid) taper over a month ago. ¬†About two weeks ago, I was alternating between 0/10mg. ¬†I had a low grade fever that was lingering, muscle pain, and joint pain. ¬†It got to the point where I couldn’t bend my elbows, make a fist, or bend my knees. ¬†On the day of my appointment, I used a walker…before I was called back, I could feel my knees buckle…at this point I knew I wouldn’t be able to walk, I needed a wheelchair. ¬†It was scary. ¬†When they called me back, Sunny was holding one arm and the medical assistant was holding the other, helping me into the wheelchair. ¬†Lab results showed a high CRP (inflammation marker) value. ¬†I was given a high dose of prednisone as well as an oxy in the clinic. ¬†I also need to get magnesium in the infusion clinic, so an IV was started and I was brought downstairs. ¬† Sunny picked me up and put me in the recliner and propped my legs up. ¬†He took my tennis shoes off and adjusted my pillows. ¬†I was still in pain…I hit the call button…”can I get more pain meds please”. ¬†The nurse gave me IV morphine. ¬†The magnesium infusion was about 4 hours…I started to feel better by the end of the infusion. My brother picked me up after work and wheeled me outside. He drove the car up to the front and helped me in. A few nurses walking into the hospital saw us and helped us as well.

I wouldn’t be able to get through all of these rough days without my family. ¬†Everyone has helped me out so much. ¬†I am forever grateful for the wonderful support system I have. ¬†I love each and everyone of them so much. ¬†I had no idea how difficult recovery could be.

I’m happy I have family so close by. Family that checks on me everyday. Checks to see if I need anything, even if it’s rest. Thank you family. I love you. I’ve always had a difficult time putting my feelings into words, even harder now after radiation. My point is, I’m a lucky girl to be surrounded by such wonderful people.

Emotional Well Being

img_5726I had no idea how I’d really feel after my transplant. ¬†For some reason I feel emotionally drained. ¬†I guess I just want life to resume what it used to be. ¬†But I can’t keep looking back. ¬† Life is moving forward. ¬†Everything is moving forward. ¬†I am trying my hardest to be me. ¬†Be patient…things will return to normal.

I am forever grateful that I have a second chance.  Being alive.  Being here.

Mason is a reflection of everything I do, everything I am. ¬†I tumbled off the couch from pure clumsiness and froze on the floor for a second. ¬†He ran over to me and told me it was ok and said “don’t cry, don’t cry” in a whisper. ¬† I feel as though he can see and feel my pain sometimes. ¬†He’ll call out mommy just to say I love you. ¬†He’ll remind me that my hair is growing. ¬†He’ll tell my donor cells it’s ok to find their home. ¬†It’s the sweetest. ¬†He’s too young to truly understand everything that’s going on. ¬†All the doctor’s appointments…the medications…my hair loss…the hospital stays. ¬†I hope that he’ll realize how strong I had to be.

Life is beautiful.  Enjoy every second.

Day + 133

I had a few appointments yesterday, one of which I needed to fast for 12 hrs for routine labs. ¬†I had to stop eating at 8:15PM, which is pretty early. ¬†I also needed to fast 4 hours prior to my CT with contrast. ¬†I showed up to that appointment a little earlier hoping they’d take me back sooner so that I could eat….that didn’t happen. ¬† As I was getting instructions from the radiology tech, I thought…I know the drill, I’ve done this plenty of times, “breathe in and hold your breath, now breathe normal”. ¬† She needed to start an IV for the contrast and asked if there was a specific arm that would be easier. ¬†I’ve become a hard stick overtime. ¬†Labs being drawn everyday, to every other, to every week. ¬† Can someone really get used to this?

I have been feeling better. ¬†PROGRESS! ¬†ūüôā ¬†The next time I’m scheduled to see my primary ¬†oncologist is in 2 weeks! ¬†Baby steps, right? ¬†He also told me that I’d have to do another biopsy in a month or two. ¬†I’d have to do a pulmonary function test in about a month. ¬†I remember taking that test before the transplant, and it was really hard. ¬†I have a month to prep my lungs for this. ¬†Maybe I’ll start going on walks towards the evening or early morning.

It’s hard to believe fall is almost here. ¬†And before we know it, it’s CHRISTMAS!!!! ¬†My favorite time of year. ¬†lol….maybe I’m jumping ahead a little, there’s just something about that Christmas spirit and Christmas music. ¬† It makes me happy. ¬†‚̧


Woke up this morning with my chest hurting. ¬†Feeling down today. ¬†Emotional recovery is something I deal with day to day. ¬†I guess its hard to explain sometimes. ¬†I feel like I’ve been fighting this battle for quite sometime and I just want to live normally. ¬†I want to feel free. ¬†I want to walk outside and just soak up the sun. ¬†Feel the breeze against my cheek. ¬†Take a nice walk outside and just enjoy the weather. ¬†I don’t want to feel pain. ¬†I don’t want to be sick. ¬†I just want to be me. ¬†Just Stella. ¬†No mask. ¬†No umbrella. ¬†No hats. ¬†And lastly, no stares. ¬† But then I remind myself….”you have to take it day by day”. ¬†And everyday I wake up, IT is a BLESSING. ¬†I’ve got to stay strong!

Day + 128

It’s been about a month since I’ve been home. ¬†Mason started 1st grade this past Thursday. ¬†I’m so grateful I was able to be a part of his first day.

Recovery the first fews weeks at home were difficult, but I guess there are good and bad days. ¬†I pulled up to Walmart yesterday to pick up my prescription and was not able to make it in the store. ¬†My ankle was swollen and hurting. ¬†I had to send a group text out to my sister, brother in law, and brother that I was in the parking lot, but knew I couldn’t make it in. ¬†I’m still learning that I need to take it easy. ¬†It’s hard because I feel “useless” not being able to do simple tasks. ¬†Still trying to get into a groove with everyone at home. Spending enough time with each other as a family. ¬†Cherishing every moment we get without getting frustrated. ¬†Life is GOOD. ¬†Life is a BLESSING.

Sunny and I enjoyed brunch on Thursday. ¬†It was a nice date with my love. ¬†A little bit of normalcy doesn’t seem so bad. ¬†My hair is growing back, it feels like peach fuzz. ¬†ūüôā ¬†I haven’t been in the mood to necessarily document my weekly growth this time around. ¬†It’s taken longer this time. ¬†Not sure if its from the radiation or transplant.

Mason has been anxious to leave me alone at home. ¬†He thinks I’ll be at the hospital if he leaves me at home by myself. ¬†He had a dream the other day that zombies were attacking us. ¬†I was the only one without a weapon to protect myself. ¬†And by weapon, he means a nerf gun. ¬†He said he and sunny shot at the blue pregnant zombie. ¬†It’s nice to know that even in his dreams he feels like he needs to protect his mama. ¬†<3. ¬†I can’t imagine how he’s processing everything. ¬†I love him so much. ¬†He’s been so brave and strong through this whole journey.